"Well I've been afraid of changing,
'Cause I built my life around you.
Well time makes you bolder,
and children grow older,
and I'm getting older too.
Yes, I'm getting older too."
The past eight months have been interesting. Actually, make that the past two years. Two years ago I had brutal experience that I wish to never relive. I feel like I am waiting on time and feeling God's love for me to heal it up and move forward being less affected by what others may or may not think. But I digress.
The second change has been feeling my body shift. My metabolism is different. I lost a lot of hair for 8 months straight. I'm having signs of macular degeneration and am assigned to see a specialist. I have to ice my knees on occasion after I go running. People no longer comment on how young I look. I am spending every other month on a diet trying to get back to where my weight had stayed for the past 14 years. Last night, I was showing old pictures on my phone to a very sick Jonas. Max saw one of them and I said "Max, look how young you look!". He then said, "Mom, look how young YOU look!".
Stop time.
When did this happen? When did I grow up with my children (I may not mean that in a maturity level... I often feel so insufficient to actually be someone's mother. I wish I could go back and tell my mother thank you. I expected her to be perfect, and now that I realize that conceiving and bearing children does NOT come with a perfecting cloak-- I wish I could go back and acknowledge the million things she did that were beyond great.)
I think that whole Dixie Chicks verse speaks to me except the "time makes you bolder". Maybe that will be part of what comes with this next page of life. How do we settle into being ourselves and letting others be fine or not fine with that? I find I am terribly hurt when others are not fine with my best efforts.
I think the hardest part of that verse is the line "I've been afraid of changing, 'Cause I built my life around you". I didn't like to realize that "you" was actually "me". That's why aging and changing is so hard for me. I think too much about myself. I wish it were more simple to "forget yourself and go to work". I can do it temporarily, but I always round back to thinking of myself again. Will age make that easier to let go of too?
Well, while these darling cherubs have been aging, it apparently came as an epiphany to me today that doesn't happen without their mother aging too. Why is that something hard to accept?
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| Ali so chic in her dollar store glasses :) |
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| Max makes me gifts all the time out of legos... animals, necklaces and bracelets, etc. It's very sweet. A perfect way he chose to show me he loves me. I love that little hand around my neck. |
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| Getting to snuggle with my sick little boy while I tell him the tale of the day we met the blue dragon, fed him an Oreo, and saw his fire light up his rainbow-jewel crusted cave. That, by the way, is the look of a woman who has had a little boy throwing up all morning. |
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| These are some of our missionaries-- we love our missionaries! Max has an awesome Mr. Bean face here.... |
OH, Kristen! You are beautiful and DO NOT LOOK OLD, TIRED, AND DECREPIT! You are unusually beautiful and very slender--especially for having given birth to three kids. You know that you kids and your Glenn think that you are beautiful... So do the rest of us who love you and those who are too jealous of your good looks to love you. :)
ReplyDeleteI don't know how else to say it without using the cliche, but your inner beauty is amazing and is what I see. You are beautiful on the outside (you still look young, vibrant, and beauitful!), but when I think of you, that is not what I think about. I think about your kindness, and how you ALWAYS remember people and their situations, and what an amazing and creative mother you are, and what a neat marriage and relationship you and Glenn have and how intelligent you are, and your gift with language and always saying the right thing. And about your strong testimony and strength in living the gospel. Some of what you wrote and feel I think comes about because of being female. It is in our nature. Elder Uchtdorff's (sp?) last few talks have been helpful to me. Love you lots! (even if you did look old and decrepit I wouldn't care a single bit!!)
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ReplyDeleteI always try to keep healthier and fitter. For that, I usually have a goal. And Kristen, I do not dare to have you as my goal because you are BEYOND that. On top of that, you are beautiful and amazing in every way: looks, personality, and even your manners. Meanwhile, I recognize whatever you went through. It might look wonderful to me and you might feel otherwise. But may I humbly remind you: at all times and in every way, you are MORE THAN ENOUGH!
ReplyDeleteI am a little speechless but wanted to say something. You speak the words of my heart, lady. You are not alone. Though I have no profound words of wisdom, I do have this: you are amazing, inside and out. Your strength and faith shines and has been a beacon of light to me over the past year. As a friend recently told me when I threw out a "how is this my life?"..."It's the imperfections and the struggles that make us interesting; I have no interest in being friends with a robot." The strength it takes to overcome the challenges—big or small—is what makes us US. I take heart knowing that with the wrinkles comes experience (I will not say wisdom, because I am still young with a long way to go), and experience builds character—inside and out.
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